Islamic Marriage

Category: STRONG

Started off as a post of mine on a forum to another user:

I actually thought more women pursued higher education these days. The move to marry younger seems more pronounced in the West because a lot of the immigrant Muslim population has developed a sudden conservative bent, and the strain of conservative Islam they're most influenced by is probably Salafism which is disproportionately prevalent in the West, and has been for quite some time (so a lot of Muslims there are like 'moderate' Salafis... or 'Sunni Salafis'). Even the network of MSAs started off from a couple original ones were allegedly funded by Wahabis. Salafis take rather simplistic views on marriage, so 'marry earlier' is a rule of thumb for them. That's not to say it isn't good advice, it is, but pursuing higher education does alter the equation somewhat.

For instance, most of the guys I know here are marrying in their mid-late 20s, usually late 20s. But most of the guys I knew back in NY were marrying in their early-mid 20s. I think another reason to wait longer here, and less there, is the slim pickings from the desi community there and the opposite here. People are more likely to think they'll find better prospects after some time.

The heartening thing I do see with a lot of the 'earlier' marriages in the West is that both pursue higher education together while married. The families work out the details, I think usually the girl's folks still foot her tuition and they live apart at their respective schools or homes, and visit each other often. A few of my friends have done this, a couple have gotten married in their first year of grad school. One of my old best friends started med school in some random midwestern state and he married a girl going to a med school a few states away, but within road trip distance for holidays. Then again, med students are weird because I've run into a large amount of such marriages during med school. There was also a random article in the NY times about med students' residency hopes which referenced another such couple... My old Princeton Review teacher managed to get admission into a medical school for his fiance by giving them the ultimatum "I have to go where she goes". They're all non-Muslim Americans, who have even less cultural incentive to marry. So I always mention that the families can work out the affairs ahead of time and discuss the education thing, and then recommend early marriage for people.

And that goes right into what you mention about the household role split. You're exactly right, a girl isn't really bound to literally cook and clean, she's just "in charge" of taking care of the house. According to most Sunnis, the only thing a husband can reasonably expect out of her, in case this hasn't been discussed before marriage, is whatever she did in her parents' home. And in the case of all these people from upper-middle-class backgrounds... figuring out a solution for the cooking and cleaning (taking care of it together, like most American families these days, or simply hiring help) isn't too difficult.

There's also that a lot of girls don't want to have to work. They'd like to be able to pursue a career on their own terms, but run their households, raise their children, and not completely abandon the housewife ethos of their moms. I know a lot who actually want to just be housewives, and I should clarify... that's not something I should say they want, that's not even a role that should be called something, a.k.a. housewife. Managing the house and that entire half of family life is their right by default, they should reasonably expect that open to them always. Men should be ready to afford them that. A woman can pursue whatever level of education she desires, and still expect to be able to adopt whatever role she wants in the home afterwards, even a full-time role, and the man has to respect that. I think the problem is that men start telling them what they have or don't have to do for the as yet nonexistant family's survival. They shouldn't be putting that on them. Discussing plans for education/career/marital/family life before marriage are definitely important though, but as long as they're on the same page, it'll all be fine (unfortunately in too many marriages, they're not even in the same book at the time of nikah... people are used to selling themselves like car salesmen... laying out expectations beforehand is the last thing they want to do).

On the other hand, if she's got a calling in school or work, he has to be ready to accomodate her to the satisfaction of her deen. This needs to be discussd before marriage, the role split they envision. If a girl states flat out she wants to be a house wife, then after marriage insists on going for a master's or something, then the husband does have the right to say no, and that'll be brought up if the dispute gets so bad it goes to arbitration. But if she lays it out beforehand that she wants the option to work still open, he has to shoulder the extra responsibility (which from our financial backgrounds, isn't difficult) of catering to her so it's possible. At this point, the woman has to make clear what she doesn't need from him because he'd be obligated to provide everything from transportation to even help handling administrative matters at work or school if it came to that. She can basically say "I want to work. But I want to be in purdah. Make it happen", if he's agreed to support her working. Of course if the times are rough, and when are they not, both spouses will have to realistically compromise on their goals, even what they had agreed to before marriage. But as long as Islam is used as a guide, it's all good. If they've agreed that she will work, but then the time comes and he can't fully accomodate her needs, she'll have to wait for him to, because you can't cross your religious obligations under any circumstances. Of course if the career meant more than marriage, she could even pursue a divorce, citing the prenuptial (even if unofficial) agreement that her career would be supported and she needs a husband capable of doing that. There'd be no fault against her, but if she were to exercise patience, that'd of course be more rewarding spiritually, but it's her decision... and that should often be the bottom line. A woman is given her decisions, and the spouses help each other, but don't make them for each other unless so desired. And when I say decisions, I mean those that affect the course of her life. Obviously everyone has a different temperament, and some women like men who are forward, and some men are forward in handling routine or trivial matters. But the woman with even the weirdest caveman-fetish gets to decide her own fate.

There's too much bossing each other around and even co-dependence going on... the bad kind. People make decisions for each other. Men shouldn't be financially dependent on their wives intentionally unless she's agreed to it before marriage. I should clarify here... emotional co-dependence, that's kind of the point of a marital relationship, I don't mean that (and I don't understand people who say that's bad... even in a marriage... in Islam, the only real new non-mahram person you're allowed to interact with personally in life is your spouse, how could you not become dependent on them emotionally and intimately, that's the entire idea of an Islamic marriage fostering closer bonds). But the only thing the spouses should reasonably expect to boss each other around on is each other's religion/Deen. Of course, technically, this can mean a lot of things if you can route it through religion, but that's the point. Marriage is supposed to help you do that. For instance, a man telling a woman 'you've got that degree, do something with it... you have to work' or pressuring her in any way is doing it wrong. But a man suggesting to or advising his wife, with clear reasoning, that she's one of a few skilled practicioners or professionals in a certain field, and in Islam, that becomes a duty on her to fulfill her community obligations if possible, is doing it right. Because it still leaves her with the final say on doing something that isn't her responsibility, but lays out the only kind of reasoning that should matter in her decision making. This idea of independence in terms of rights carries over to the financial aspect, since women should keep their own money seperately if they wish, and men shouldn't pressure them into pooling it together like is the style in Western marriages (which often becomes a source of conflict). She deserves independence in that too. All that kind of stuff is the right kind of independence, but on the other hand... the spouses can't really even turn each other down for sex, frankly. Or tell each other to gtfo or not put up with each other's personal shit (as long as it's not exceeding the limits, which most 'shit' does, so that's not a problem, but having short fuses, getting into a rut where each irks the other, frayed or raw nerves, etc... all should be nipped immediately in the bud, and the emotional and intimate reliance on the other kind of aids that).

A quote I had on my blag to emphasize that: "Personal intimacy is a minefield of opportunities to hurt each other--glancing at the watch, a yawn at the wrong moment, appearing bored, and so on."

That's also the basic principle behind tasawuf. If someone marries and behaves according to that, that's achieving the same as someone who's striving under a Shaykh's tutelage off in the wilderness somewhere or something. That's how you learn humility, it's not pleasant, and the first thing people do when they read stuff like that is think 'wow that's just too much', because our Nafs are sitting pretty inside us as lions. For example, Shaykhs who took on royalty as disciples would order their Murids to sweep garbage and clean filth and other demeaning tasks, repeatedly, until their egoes were destroyed and some humility had gotten into them.

An Islamic marriage done right can help address that part of life too, without hardship anything like that... because whatever difficulty you face in making yourself humble, you get to enjoy the spouse doing the same for you (ideally... if you picked right). It is the most sublime form of harmony in human relationships (mother-child is anything but harmony, that's self-sacrifice, a living-shaheed type of thing). This starts off mostly simple and equal in marriages, but gets rebalanced as the relationship progresses and children become a factor, in which case the man has to step back and aid the wife more often.

That is more or less what the Salafis try to mean when they say tasawuf is useless, except Sunnis fully acknowledge and promote the idea that tasawuf can be had through any path, even living a normal life. But life throws so many curveballs at us, Shaykhs often have to be consulted. Or even just to be reminded of how to live a normal life again (like in our times). The lives we live are not normal, and not moderate... they're lives of excess.

More stuff on marriage from teh blag:

"Women shall have rights similar to the rights upon them; according to what is equitable and just; and men have a degree of advantage over them."
-Qur'an (2:216)

A bachelor once asked Imam al-Ghazali (ra): "Which should I choose: marriage, or total devotion to God?" "Both", he replied.

Bishr al-Hafi, a pious bachelor and teacher of Ahmad Ibn Hanbal (rahimahullah), appeared to someone in a dream, and was asked, “How has God treated you?” He responded, “I have been given a high rank in the Gardens of Paradise. And I was allowed to look upon the stations of the prophets (alayhum salam); yet I never attained to the ranks of the married.” When asked what had become of Abu Nasr al-Tammar, he replied, “He has been raised seventy degrees above me.” People were surprised, and asked how this could be, and he answered, “He earned that by his patience with his little daughters and his family burdens.”

Regarding men having multiple wives (I don't know the authenticity of this, nor do I have reason to question it, but the principle is sound):

A dispute having arisen between the Caliph Mansur and his wife Harrah over an accusation made by the latter that the former was not a just ruler, Abu Hanifah was called in to arbitrate between them. The queen sat behind a veil in order to hear the Imam's verdict with her own ears. Mansur began by asking how many wives a Muslim was permitted to have at a time according to the Shari'ah. The Imam replied, "Four." "Do you hear?" shouted Mansur to the queen. "Yes, I've heard it," replied the queen. At that point the Imam addressed himself to the Caliph and added, "But this permission is for a man who is capable of doing justice. No other man can have more than one wife. God Himself says: 'If you doubt your ability to do justice (between your wives), have only one wife.' " Mansur remained silent. A little while after the Imam returned home, a servant came to him with a gift of fifty thousand dinars. "The queen," he said, "sends you her respectful salutations and says that she is grateful to you for your truthful verdict." The Imam returned the money with a message for the queen that he had expressed the opinion he had expressed not in the expectation of a reward but because it was his duty as an arbitrator to express it.

Now consider what state the man must be in, being that most people, men and women alike, cannot even fairly deal with their sole mother to say nothing of their sole spouse.

That's mostly dealing with women's rights, because they're so often usurped or unknowingly given up these days. But a man's rights are clear too.

Women can't expect all of that if they aren't prepared to fulfill the basic principle of the role of a woman in a marriage... she's exclusively her husband's wife. I don't mean polyandry or whatever it's called, but considering the likely intense nature of their personal relationship, he has every right to expect that no other man enjoys any part of her, whether her looks, her personality, or even simply her talents. If this right becomes threatened, anything else not in the Shariah gets overriden. Meaning even if the man has agreed to support her career, if he fears that this right of his can't be met, he can intervene and offer alternate solutions (like working somewhere else or in a more suitable atmosphere for instance). Men get more rights than women in this regard, explicitly that is. A husband even has final say over who his wife can or can't befriend, and that's something I always remind women to keep in mind during the process of seeking a husband. You have to trust this guy with a lot. Some of these rights are rights, and thus not voluntary in Islam, but he has the right to expect them by default. The entire idea of a wife remaining 'in the home' fits that principle. And this right of the husband that the woman fulfills pretty much accounts for a huge chunk of her responsibility in marriage. She has to make sure she guards herself according to his wishes (so long as they don't exceed the limits or he reneges on a prenuptial agreement, even if unofficial). The rights where the man can step in and override (like the friends thing) are actually quite few, the entire idea for a spiritually healthy marriage is that this is done voluntarily. I hate to use the idea of possession, but it's like she chooses to be his, and he helps her live the life she wants. All Muslim women marrying all Muslim men are agreeing to this by undergoing an Islamic marriage, this is an Islamic marriage. It's not the same as other cultures' ideas of marriage. This may sound like an obscene amount of rights are given to the women, and it may be so, but it's a moot point because women aren't men and rarely if ever abuse their rights. They often even forego their rights. Despite the apparent nature of their egoes or whatever, they are much more humble than men. Most women still want a family above all and when they go about raising one, they invest themselves utterly and selflessly into the endeavor. They are amazing, and that's why they have so many rights to fall back on in Islam, because we'd want our moms to have these rights over our dads, even if it sounds 'unromantic' to talk about rights and responsibilities because how often do they demand anything?

Btw, the exclusivity thing is actually mutual, but often goes unsaid. The reason it is unsaid is because the man can marry multiple wives, but outside of that context, the woman has every right to expect the man to be hers and hers alone. Any violation of that is a violation of deen, and she can step in and tell him as such (and no qazi, or judge, in their right mind would argue against deen if a woman used it to seek a divorce). Nothing warrants violating the deen, even feeding your family, though Allah is Merciful.

All that is the meaning of this Hadith:

Sayyiduna Amr ibn al-Ahwas narrates a long Hadith in which he relates the sermon given by the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) at the time of his farewell Hajj. From amongst the many advices given by the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace), he stated:

Beware! I advise you to treat your women honourably, for these women are confined in your homes. Other than this, you cannot demand anything from them except if they commit a manifest sin (Sunan Tirmidhi, no: 3087)

That is what 'confined in your homes' means. Salafis interpret it literally, and some Sunnis who exceed limits will interpret it metaphorically. What it obviously means is that if the type of security in the home can be taken care of outside the home, especially in the case of a woman having duties to her community (doctors, teachers, etc.), then the man helping her with that secondary obligation is ensuring that she's still kind of 'confined in the home', even if she isn't really confined anywhere literally. That confinement refers to the voluntary act above of making herself exclusive to the husband and the family (I say 'voluntary' because when the man's rights allow him to override decisions in those few instances, they're meant as stop-gaps ahead of actually working on the marriage, even through arbitration... if she just doesn't want to do it... start arbitration, consider divorce a possible reality, and pray... but don't force her unless it's of an immediate nature, like if she's still your wife but she's about to do something to destroy the family... i.e, a 'manifest sin'... this is also the context in which most conservative/traditional Sunni scholars explain the verse on men being allowed to 'hit' their wives, though many more would encourage to never do it anyway based on the precedent in the Sunnah).

This is also related to this Hadith:

"Muhgirah (ra) narrated that Sa'd Ibn Ubadah (ra) narrated that if he were to see a stranger with his wife, he would strike him with the blade or sharp edge of his sword. This was conveyed to the Prophet (saw) and he asked, 'Are you surprised of Sa'd's sense of modesty? I have a greater sense of it than he and Allah has a greater one than I.'" (Bukhari #7416) (Muslim #17-1499) (Ahmad #17464 4/248)

That is related to all the verses on Hijaab or Hayah (modesty). But it should be emphasized, the principles of modesty and hijaab are universal within Islam, and not conditional on marriage or plans for a marriage. It's in the nature of all women. It just so happens that this nature will then perfectly correlate to the role of a wife in an Islamic marriage, and shows why marriage is regarded so highly in Islam... it's a natural fit. But women who don't marry are still held to this as strictly as any married woman of course, this post just dealt with marriage and referenced all these other ides within that context.

It's also all basic stuff I've heard from one place or another that has consensus from Sunnis. And yeah, it is just about all I've ever heard on the subject.